The Septum Piercing of Duality

Ok,

So I am getting more and more sure that I will get a septum peircing when I first get back to Toronto. The reasons I want it are actually not the reasons that some people think. I don't mean to get deep here (hah, most of you out there don't even know I have a deep side to me), but I honestly think it is a perfect metaphor for my dual existance.

Allow me to explain. I lead two lives. I have for quite a while. I have split personalities in various areas. Certain times I am a total social butterfly and thrive on interation and need to have people around me. Other times I am a total anti-social animal, who needs to hole myself up, devoid of contact.

In the past two years though...I have literally been leading a double life though. In the Bathurst area, the Jewish ghetto, I am a good Jewish boy. I go to synagouge every Sabbath, wear my kippah out on the street, with no hat over it. My neighbours all love me and invite me over, and I get along super well with all the super-religious kids on my street. I pray, and have a devout faith in God.

Downtown, at school, I lead a secualr life. That is not to say I don't keep kosher, or keep my head uncovered and wear a big cross (well...there is that one shirt with a giant cross on it, but that was a mistake). I am still very much Jewish, and keep my laws. But you wouldn't know it looking at me, or speaking to me. I embrace my secularness and join the real world. I can be a bit punky in dress and attitude. I swear non-stop, and am quite vulgar.

This double life has taken over. One I cross a physical line that seperates Downtown from North York, I literally change. Sometimes I even adjust my attire, punking myself up a bit, taking off layers. It's as though i have an Alias.

I have always had two fairly distinct groups of friends for each of my lives, and they dont interact with each other at all, really. Ever since High School I have had my Jewish friends, and my seculr friends. That is nt to say there isn't some overlapping here and there, but there is no denying there are two very different groups. It is the same way in Toronto. I have made a few good friends in the Jewbourhood, but they VERY rarely ever meet my dowtown friends.

Here is the thing though. I dont feel as though either of these lives are false. They are both very strong components of me. But what worries me is how seperate they remain. You'd think overtime I would slowly merge the two, but if anything they keep growing further and further apart. I can't for the life of me figure out why I do this. Am I ashamed? I don't really know.

But I think this septum piercing is the perfect metaphor. The thing about these piercings is that you can flip it down so it is quite visible (I would do this Downtown), but you can also flip it up into your nose, and nobody sees it (my Jewish life). Maybe I am subconciously hoping I will screw up and the piercing will show itself to my Jewish neighbours, tarnishing my good Jewish boy image, and forcing them to confront the other side of me. Then again, maybe I just think it will look good (which a lot of my friends don't agree with, but I honestly do).

But what I don know is I have to find a way to come to terms with this duality of mine. I remember in Grade 11, I was going through a HORRIBLE time that many of my friends weren't, and still aren't aware of. I was near (and I mean quite near) suicidal because I felt myself pulled in different directions. I started to fall in love with acting, but know my religion didn't really allow me to do that (Sabbath mostly). That is just one example, but I had this internal war going on between all factions of my dreams, aspiration, values and beleifs. It took me to some very bad places, which I still cannot discuss because of how scary it was. I was a wreck.

Slowly, I began to sort things out, and other oppertunities presented themselves so I didn't have to deal with it. But I know that things will evetually come to a peak, and SOMETHING will force the war to come back. And I am shit scared. I don't know how I'll handle it.

I wish i could end this post on a happier note...and hopefully someday it will. But not today.

Akiva

Listening to: Idina Menzel: "Heart on My Sleeve"